Nicolas Cage, bless him, went from being one of the kings of the 90s action films to “I’ll act in anything” in the early 2000s to a phoenix reborn with some decent roles later on, only to play the role of a career saboteur in this movie.

Genres: Action | Comedy | Crime

Every so often, I come across a movie that defies the usual cinematic experience, trying to figure out what the hell it is that I’m watching. It’s the kind of movie that doesn’t just unfold naturally but rather spirals into an eye-sore puzzle. If you’ve ever had this experience, well “The Retirement Plan” promises to be just such a film. It’s one of those movies that will have you questioning your life choices.

“The Retirement Plan isn’t your run-of-the-mill film, and I say that begrudgingly; it’s a cinematic oddity. “The mystery in this movie is whether it is just a big spoof on deep state conspiracies or just a B movie that didn’t have the budget to finesse each scene to smooth continuity,” said one Google commenter. I tend to agree.

This movie isn’t just rough around the edges; it’s a lump of coal in a display case pretending to be a diamond. As you watch, you may find the scenes jarring and the continuity questionable. And the acting? Well, that’s disappointing enough.

The plot: When Ashley and her young daughter Sarah get caught up in a scheme by her boyfriend that puts their lives at risk, she turns to the only person who can help: her estranged father Matt, who’s currently living in the Cayman Islands as an alcoholic retired beach bum. Their reunion is fleeting, as they are soon tracked down on the island by crime boss Donnie and his lieutenant Bobo. As Ashley, Sarah, and Matt become entangled in an increasingly dangerous web, Ashley quickly learns her father had a secret past that she knew nothing about and that there is more to her father than meet the eye. It’s the stock cookie-cutter action plot with the usual players.

The Retirement Plan stars Oscar winner Nicolas Cage (Con Air and City of Angels), Ron Perlman (Hellboy), Ashley Greene (Twilight), Oscar nominee Jackie Earle Haley (Lincoln), and Joel David Moore (Avatar). These are all seasoned actors who somehow decided to leave their A-list acting abilities at home and picked up there, “This is just a paycheck to hold me over until a high-caliber script comes along, acting skills.”

The Retirement Plan feels like it stumbled out of the VHS era, and even by those standards, it still wouldn’t be a cinematic wallflower. Its release in theaters just goes to show how some studios must think popcorn is the only thing moviegoers care about. It’s as if someone watched the final cut and declared, “This is Oscar-worthy,” with a straight face. I’m all for a film that doesn’t take itself too seriously, but this one had an identity crisis from the first scene—trying to be goofy and tripping over its own shoelaces.

The movie scored a surprising 60% on Rotten Tomatoes, with an audience rating of 45%. I get that sometimes audiences want a disposable movie to mindlessly chomp on for a few good laughs. Still, it’s as if the studio had a quota to meet on bad movies when they greenlight this one. In the end, though it’s a movie that’s tolerable, it only serves as a distraction. For one thing, “The Retirement Plan” is an experience that will not stick with you after the credits roll.

You can rent or buy The Retirement Plan on Amazon Prime Video, Vudu, YouTube or Apple TV.